Reading "A Grief Observed" at this moment in my life is very important. Had I read this book at any other time, I know I would not have become so attached to a book.
In my life, I've only experienced two deaths in my immediate life.
The first death was that of my grandma. I spent the whole summer with just her and I at her house. I learned so much from her and it had to be the best summer I have ever experienced. That fall, the day after Thanksgiving, she had a sudden heart attack and died in her new apartment. I was deeply hurt and frustrated with myself. It was the one time I just didn't know how to respond. I couldn't cry or frown or yell. I just stayed emotionless for a long time.
The second death was with my new close friend, Melissa. She and I met in the beginning of the summer and she gave me a love for photography. She also died in November; she was hit by a drunk driver. I had alot of struggles before I properly grieved her.
These two experiences had similarities. Both happened around the same time in different years. Both had me become very close before they died. Both died unexpectedly.
C.S. Lewis writes: "Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back."
He seems so angry. So displeased with those who had tried to say the one liners of sympathy.
Lewis made me see how grieving is a dirty thing. It is messy and unorganized. It leaves one feeling disorientated about life. But the beautiful thing is, Lewis becomes stronger through his grief.
And that is what I want to become: stronger.
My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer the day I arrived on campus. He has been in and out of the hospital. Radiation, chemotheraphy, medicine are things that should prolong his life but actually have made him weaker. My father is a proud man who is now on his knees at night crying out to God for a healing touch or a salvation of a soul. It's never hurt so much to be so far away from family in a time like this. However, this is what help me feel at peace in a moment of chaos:
"We cannot understand. The best is perhaps what we understand least"
Perhaps what we need is less understanding about things and more belief in an infinite God who understands all.
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First off I want to say I am so sorry about your grandpa. That is awful, I just lost my uncle the day before I came back to school... so I feel your pain. And it is so true. Chemotherapy and medicine just make a person weaker, it is so tough and saddening to watch. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I loved all of your thoughts on the book. I feel the same way, I think because we don't think about death that much unless it is happening to us... such as a family member dying. We tend to not just dwell on it. I think a book like this is good, because trust me I never thought this book would have touched me the way it did. It was amazing to me. Everything C.S. Lewis said and felt... I've been there I am there... it's just sort of in a way comforting to read the frustration and sadness. It almost makes you feel that you aren't the only one in the world feeling this way. That you are not alone.
Truly amazing! I really believe that You are stronger and I feel really fortinate for You having to spend the time with Your grandmother that You were able to have. I hope I can have the same summer time with one of mine one day!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest and telling of your life. You are a very strong person. This was an amazing post. Thank you so much.
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